Hello. Me again! Yep, looks like I’m managing so far with the ‘write as frequently as possible’ aim! (One of the few perks of having anxiety – from a writing point of view – is that it forces you awake at 7 o’clock every morning meaning you have hours to fill.) Three cheers for having a brain plagued with constant irrational thoughts woo…yippee…!
So, time for me to make sense of the ramblings of my first post and delve into the hidden treasures of my soul eh? I promise you it won’t be as exciting as that sounds.
To put it bluntly: I have an eating disorder.
*Lets out a huuuuge sigh* Makes more sense now right? The caged bird that can’t fly? Why I’m yearning for wings and desperately attempting to find them through words? Well…I’ve reached that stage of life where I am supposed to be enjoying the ultimate summer of fun, friends, frolic and frequent drunkenness yet stupid, selfish, spiteful anorexia has decided to make an appearance.
So by blog post number two we’ve gained some transparency yet I must admit the term ‘anorexia’ isn’t entirely accurate. I mean, it probably isn’t for anybody – another umbrella term coined by doctors searching for answers that inevitably can’t be found through attributing individual brains to satisfying sound bites and definitions.
Upon reading ‘anorexia’ I’m sure a whole multitude of frightful associations were conjured into your mind (sorry for that) but I’m here to add humour to the darkness and, hopefully, explain what that dreaded diagnosis means for me.
Unlike you may assume, I have never had issues with body image. I’ve been blessed with a slim athletic physique, long legs, green eyes, blonde hair and a pair of boobs that have resulted in me being asked countless times if they really are mine and I’ve overheard on numerous occasions the whisperings of ‘she must be wearing a push up bra’ when (I pinky swear) I am most definitely not.
So at this point you may wonder how on earth I succumbed to the malevolence that is anorexia. I am still working on the answer to this one myself…but a combination of anxiety, a desire to control, a fear of change and lack of emotional stability in childhood seem to have landed me in this mess. I had no idea that developing disordered eating could in fact have absolutely nothing to do with wanting to lose weight but hey, life is here to teach you lessons right…? Some clearly more unpleasant than others.
I guess I need to add a little more context to this confusing cauldron of information:
- I’m 18
- I’ve Just finished my A levels (a whole separate post on that shit storm to come)
- I live in London with my mum and our dog
- I am in love with the English Language
- I am also in love with the male species
- I am also in love with documentaries, ice cream, sunshine, day trips, Christmas, cosy nights in, prosecco, clubbing and quiz nights
- I am ALSO in love with a lot more things however I can’t keep you here all day…
Every. Single. Damn. Bullet. Point. On. That. List. Has. Been. Negatively. Affected. By. This. Eating. Disorder.
You can tell I’m hung up about this right? Quite a lot to take in I’m sure but I hope you’ve gained some insight into who I am: merely a human being attempting to function as an adolescent (burdened with some extra ‘baggage’.)
Another post coming your way tomorrow! Yep, I have had to cancel all of my summer plans as a result of this condition(?) illness(?) disorder(?) thing that cannot ever be fully explained or understood(?) which means that at least this blog has plenty of opportunity to blossom into the thriving potential it harbours. (I am having to literally live vicariously through a keyboard and computer screen – how tragic is that!)
Yours sincerely, the flightless bird continuing to yearn for wings.