2) My explanation

Hello. Me again! Yep, looks like I’m managing so far with the ‘write as frequently as possible’ aim! (One of the few perks of having anxiety – from a writing point of view – is that it forces you awake at 7 o’clock every morning meaning you have hours to fill.) Three cheers for having a brain plagued with constant irrational thoughts woo…yippee…!

So, time for me to make sense of the ramblings of my first post and delve into the hidden treasures of my soul eh? I promise you it won’t be as exciting as that sounds.

To put it bluntly: I have an eating disorder.

*Lets out a huuuuge sigh* Makes more sense now right? The caged bird that can’t fly? Why I’m yearning for wings and desperately attempting to find them through words? Well…I’ve reached that stage of life where I am supposed to be enjoying the ultimate summer of fun, friends, frolic and frequent drunkenness yet stupid, selfish, spiteful anorexia has decided to make an appearance.

So by blog post number two we’ve gained some transparency yet I must admit the term ‘anorexia’ isn’t entirely accurate. I mean, it probably isn’t for anybody – another umbrella term coined by doctors searching for answers that inevitably can’t be found through attributing individual brains to satisfying sound bites and definitions.

Upon reading ‘anorexia’ I’m sure a whole multitude of frightful associations were conjured into your mind (sorry for that) but I’m here to add humour to the darkness and, hopefully, explain what that dreaded diagnosis means for me.

Unlike you may assume, I have never had issues with body image. I’ve been blessed with a slim athletic physique, long legs, green eyes, blonde hair and a pair of boobs that have resulted in me being asked countless times if they really are mine and I’ve overheard on numerous occasions the whisperings of ‘she must be wearing a push up bra’ when (I pinky swear) I am most definitely not.

So at this point you may wonder how on earth I succumbed to the malevolence that is anorexia. I am still working on the answer to this one myself…but a combination of anxiety, a desire to control, a fear of change and lack of emotional stability in childhood seem to have landed me in this mess. I had no idea that developing disordered eating could in fact have absolutely nothing to do with wanting to lose weight but hey, life is here to teach you lessons right…? Some clearly more unpleasant than others.

I guess I need to add a little more context to this confusing cauldron of information:

  • I’m 18
  • I’ve Just finished my A levels (a whole separate post on that shit storm to come)
  • I live in London with my mum and our dog
  • I am in love with the English Language
  • I am also in love with the male species
  • I am also in love with documentaries, ice cream, sunshine, day trips, Christmas, cosy nights in, prosecco, clubbing and quiz nights
  • I am ALSO in love with a lot more things however I can’t keep you here all day…

BUT

Every. Single. Damn. Bullet. Point. On. That. List. Has. Been. Negatively. Affected. By. This. Eating. Disorder.

You can tell I’m hung up about this right? Quite a lot to take in I’m sure but I hope you’ve gained some insight into who I am: merely a human being attempting to function as an adolescent (burdened with some extra ‘baggage’.)

Another post coming your way tomorrow! Yep, I have had to cancel all of my summer plans as a result of this condition(?) illness(?) disorder(?) thing that cannot ever be fully explained or understood(?) which means that at least this blog has plenty of opportunity to blossom into the thriving potential it harbours. (I am having to literally live vicariously through a keyboard and computer screen – how tragic is that!)

Yours sincerely, the flightless bird continuing to yearn for wings.

 

 

 

 

 

11 comments

  1. I feel like I can relate to you so much!!I was in a similar place to you last year having just finished my A-levels then.
    If you ever need anyone to talk to you can message me.
    I look forward to reading your blog.Xx

    Liked by 2 people

      • Having an eating disorder can feel like a really lonely place.Following blogs has helped me a lot and certain instagram accounts too.I think you just have to be careful with who you follow so it doesn’t negatively impact your recovery.
        I look forward to reading your posts 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m really glad you had the courage to start this blog. I found that this small ED recovery community was literally my only support for a long time. I do now have what we endearingly call “program friends” who happen to be the best friends ever, lol. I think it is because the people you meet in treatment already know all the dirt and struggles so there’s no having to hide. However, the people who read my blog know who I am intimately and still stick around, surprisingly. That means a lot!

    I look forward to following your blog and journey. There are many ups and downs and we are all here for each other. One of the biggest things I think that has helped me is how non-judgmental everyone is. It’s validating and well, just nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to hear you’ve been going through such a tough time, I do hope things look up for you soon. I too have anxiety and I understand that it can be really tough especially in Summer time when school is over and we’re faced with lots of free time. Blogging can be really helpful for letting your feelings and thoughts out, hope it helps you. Here for you! Best wishes! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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