3) My reality

Yesterday I had to attend an emergency doctors appointment.

Sounds scary huh? Well it was. Absolutely bloody terrifying.

When my therapist told me last week that intervention was absolutely necessary I had to come to terms with the fact that this meant allowing a whole new load of people into my life. Not only will these people be impersonally labelled ‘doctors’, ‘nurses’, ‘psychiatrists’ and ‘nutritionists’ but I will somehow have to find a way to allow them to delve into my most personal thoughts and fears.

To say I’m scared is an understatement. The unknown is the worst part; perhaps this fear is partly why my thoughts have appeared here on this blog in an attempt to connect with others who’ve come out the other side of this dreaded process…I mean, who wants to answer the question ‘So, how are you spending your summer?’ with ‘Oh, I’m just going to be hanging around in bed all day (because I have no energy to move) while I wait for a clinic to have a place for me so that I can attempt to recover from an eating disorder that seems to have consumed my brain! SO EXCITED!’ Probably not an answer that unassuming parents or family friends would handle very well – I don’t blame them.

One of the worst parts for me is that this particular summer has been coined ‘the best summer of your life’ by countless teachers, parents and strangers as it happens to be the one where I’ve just escaped the hell that was A levels and the bounds of compulsory formal education. Yep, that summer where you’re supposed to be dancing on rainbows while globe trotting without a care in the world. Instead, I’m confined to my house while I receive a multitude of photos and videos from my friends on a trip around Europe. Did I mention that I had been planning that trip with them for months? Thanks to this eating disorder however, I had to drop out last minute…so much for ‘the best summer of your life’ eh?

Despite overwhelming negativity, I am trying my hardest to find the positives from this situation which is, quite frankly, shit. I say I’m trying, but that currently feels like searching blindly in an endless maze for an outcome that doesn’t even exist. That’s how close to a ‘positive mind-set’ I’ve got so far…

However, one thing that the appointment yesterday brought home was my reality. Hearing my doctor’s voice (that jarring overly soothing and false one they put on in an attempt to make it appear like they understand) on the phone speak the words ‘I have a patient presenting with a serious case of anorexia with a BMI that is dangerously low’ really hit me hard. I had a moment of ‘wait, what? Is she talking about me?’ I can’t believe I’ve become that patient. Nobody prepares you for this.

So here I am, lying in bed for another day, sitting attentively by my mobile as I wait for any contact from the clinic. Oh and I should also mention that I suffer from anxiety meaning that I dread speaking to anyone I don’t know personally on the phone, let alone a stranger attempting to take my life into their hands – that life that I’ve got under such tight control. Who cares that I’m 18? That doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly a fully functioning adult does it!? If I could place all responsibility into my mum’s lap then believe me, I would. But alas, I’m now a victim of the marvellous system that is the NHS, meaning I’ve been catapulted into the category of ‘adult’ whether I like it or not…*sigh*

That’s all for today, I feel exhausted already and I’ve only just woken up (hooray for zero energy!)

Yours sincerely, the flightless bird awaiting wings.

 

11 comments

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this…I can understand how hard it is to make the move from childhood to adult hood and be expected to know all the answers and make decisions.It can be hard to make decisions in a brain clouded by anorexia.You can and will make it through the other side though.The next summer can be the best one of your life.This summer is to get your health back so you can enjoy life again like your friends.spending a summer in a clinic will be worth it in the long run.Xx

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  2. Hang in there! Everything will be okay, just use this summer to get your health back on track. You’re still young and you have so much time before you. Every summer from now on can be your best summer if you just feel better mentally.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I never like to hear people having to go through this but on the other hand, it’s so heartening and inspiring to read about the courage of someone, meaning you, willing to go into treatment. It “is” scary and will be incredibly challenging but through this, even though it my seem like a ridiculous thing for me to say, you will grow into a wisdom and maturity beyond your years. Going into a program is kind of like a fast track to the reality of living life, in some respect.

    I’m going to honest too. Things won’t get better, at first. In fact, it will appear to get way, way worse. But way down the road, if you persist in moving forward, things will start clearing up like your mind, your perception, your perspective. Life will begin to start having more color, more interest… may even seem worth living. It’s not easy though. I think many treatment programs do a disservice to patients by saying things like “you’ll feel better soon” and all that. I felt worse when I was finally discharged! However… I started sleeping, I was willing to feed my brain again (food), I started laughing, having conversations and eventually had the strength to start volunteering. Oh, and I smile way more now too. 😁 If you read my blog, you can see how hard it is BUT, it’s hard because I’m now feeling, thinking, living. I did none of that before. I mean, I thought I did but looking back I was more like a ghost trying to be a living person.

    This is why I believe going into treatment is a courageous decision. It’s doing something for yourself for the long haul.

    Being positive is good, I do agree with you on that but don’t ignore the ugly awful feelings by trying to say an affirmation. I had to learn that there are no bad feelings and by trying to be an optimist, I was actually repressing feelings that needed to be dealt with so I could heal. Think of an infected wound. Putting a bandaid over it will only delay the healing and may make it worse. Whereas cleaning out the wound, as painful as that is, will definitely lead to healing. See?

    I hope I made some sense. I don’t want to discourage you but rather encourage you with the truth and realistic expectations. I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t have confidence in you. I hope you can get into treatment soon!!

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  4. This summer still can be your best summer – you can use it to focus on getting your health back on track, and that kind of determination and bravery and knowing that you’ve used all this time to make changes and better yourself will feel so worthwhile in the future! You have so many more years ahead of you that you can use to go on adventures, stay up until 2am partying hard… use this summer so that you can fight this and make the best possible life for yourself! I 100% believe that you can do that, and I’ll back you all the way! You’ve got this! Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I wrote that comment last night and yikes. I hope it didn’t discourage you. 😦 I should have waited so I could have edited it to be more positive. I’m so, so sorry! I tend to write stuff that I wish someone told me before I went in to treatment, but what would have been helpful to me isn’t always helpful to others. Ugh. Feel free to delete it so it isn’t a reminder. (I am unable to delete it).

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  6. Do A levels come before or after GCSE’s? I live in Ireland so our exam system is slightly different and I’m not as familiar with yours. I can relate to being told that this Summer is meant to be the best Summer. I have just completed my Leaving Certificate which are our last ever school exams before college but similarly I’m not feeling 100% to enjoy Summer to the full. And although it’s hard for you and me and anyone else struggling I do think it’s important to know that it’s okay to be going through stuff and still working out how you feel. We will have loads more Summers to have fun despite other people’s expectations of us and what we should be doing. I hope you hear back from the clinic soon. I can also relate to being anxious about speaking to people on the phone. Anxiety makes my mind race in situations that make me anxious like interacting with new people. It’s long journey but I believe you can get there in the end to a happy place! All the best 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well I’ve finished my a levels now and results come out August 17th! (I did them in June) Good luck with any exams you have! It’s so nice to talk to someone else that has to go through it…I completely agree with everything you’ve said too. Nobody should put pressure on a time in someone’s life because nobody really knows what’s going on! So we’ve just got to go at our own pace xx

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      • Ah best of luck, I’m sure you will do great! Ah mine comes out on the 16th of August!!
        Yeah, I get what you mean. You’re right, that is so true! We shouldn’t judge others, we all have things going on. Yes, that’s right, we’re all on our own individual journey. Hope you’re keeping well. 😊

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