Yesterday I had to attend an emergency doctors appointment.
Sounds scary huh? Well it was. Absolutely bloody terrifying.
When my therapist told me last week that intervention was absolutely necessary I had to come to terms with the fact that this meant allowing a whole new load of people into my life. Not only will these people be impersonally labelled ‘doctors’, ‘nurses’, ‘psychiatrists’ and ‘nutritionists’ but I will somehow have to find a way to allow them to delve into my most personal thoughts and fears.
To say I’m scared is an understatement. The unknown is the worst part; perhaps this fear is partly why my thoughts have appeared here on this blog in an attempt to connect with others who’ve come out the other side of this dreaded process…I mean, who wants to answer the question ‘So, how are you spending your summer?’ with ‘Oh, I’m just going to be hanging around in bed all day (because I have no energy to move) while I wait for a clinic to have a place for me so that I can attempt to recover from an eating disorder that seems to have consumed my brain! SO EXCITED!’ Probably not an answer that unassuming parents or family friends would handle very well – I don’t blame them.
One of the worst parts for me is that this particular summer has been coined ‘the best summer of your life’ by countless teachers, parents and strangers as it happens to be the one where I’ve just escaped the hell that was A levels and the bounds of compulsory formal education. Yep, that summer where you’re supposed to be dancing on rainbows while globe trotting without a care in the world. Instead, I’m confined to my house while I receive a multitude of photos and videos from my friends on a trip around Europe. Did I mention that I had been planning that trip with them for months? Thanks to this eating disorder however, I had to drop out last minute…so much for ‘the best summer of your life’ eh?
Despite overwhelming negativity, I am trying my hardest to find the positives from this situation which is, quite frankly, shit. I say I’m trying, but that currently feels like searching blindly in an endless maze for an outcome that doesn’t even exist. That’s how close to a ‘positive mind-set’ I’ve got so far…
However, one thing that the appointment yesterday brought home was my reality. Hearing my doctor’s voice (that jarring overly soothing and false one they put on in an attempt to make it appear like they understand) on the phone speak the words ‘I have a patient presenting with a serious case of anorexia with a BMI that is dangerously low’ really hit me hard. I had a moment of ‘wait, what? Is she talking about me?’ I can’t believe I’ve become that patient. Nobody prepares you for this.
So here I am, lying in bed for another day, sitting attentively by my mobile as I wait for any contact from the clinic. Oh and I should also mention that I suffer from anxiety meaning that I dread speaking to anyone I don’t know personally on the phone, let alone a stranger attempting to take my life into their hands – that life that I’ve got under such tight control. Who cares that I’m 18? That doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly a fully functioning adult does it!? If I could place all responsibility into my mum’s lap then believe me, I would. But alas, I’m now a victim of the marvellous system that is the NHS, meaning I’ve been catapulted into the category of ‘adult’ whether I like it or not…*sigh*
That’s all for today, I feel exhausted already and I’ve only just woken up (hooray for zero energy!)
Yours sincerely, the flightless bird awaiting wings.