Before I dive into this post (eek, it’s a personal one) I want to say a quick hello! I’m back! Not that anyone probably noticed my absence but I have decided taking weekends off is a good plan – I do post every single week day after all…wouldn’t want you all to get bored with me now would I!? But know that I am really happy to be back tapping away at my laptop, and so so grateful for each and every reader.
So now onto my body. No, not on to my body. Ugh, get images of getting on to anybody’s body out of your head. Oh dear I’ve really dug myself into a hole here…
Let’s start again shall we? Writing about bodies, body parts, feelings about bodies (be that your own or someone else’s) is awkward. There’s no two ways about it. Body image is a hotly contested topic, highly relevant in world of editing, touch ups and quite frankly, false advertising. Now despite the fact that I do not suffer from body dysmorphia, (huh? An anorexic that doesn’t think they’re fat? Yeah, I know, I don’t really get it either but it’s a lot more complicated than that…) I have nevertheless been forced to face the realities of my body as a result of this illness and I have a confession to make.
When recovery does eventually come (I am still anxiously awaiting referral) there are some things about my current state that I will miss.
Don’t get me wrong, I am SO ready to get over this horrific illness. More ready than I can convey in fact, but that does not mean that I won’t mourn some aspects of my current reality. *Hides face and goes into a hole to avoid the flaming pitchfork brigade of haters*
I’m sorry to put it so bluntly. But, for me at least, it’s true. So I’ve decided to shamelessly list a few things that I am going to miss about being anorexic (takes a deep breath) here goes…:
- Cheekbones: Since losing weight, I have discovered the glorious world of having cheekbones! I have naturally quite chubby cheeks (thanks Mum, thanks Dad) yet these past months have given rise to glorious new dimensions of my face that I will take full advantage of while I await referral – I’ve even learnt how to contour.
- No period: This is the one that everybody knows of but nobody dares to ask about for fear of a reply consisting of details they wish they could un-learn. So there we are, I haven’t had a period in 4 months. As you can imagine, this has been great for a number of reasons – no unwanted cramps, leakages or breakouts! It’s hard to argue against the benefits of this one eh?
Guess what. It looks like I’ve run out of the ‘things I will miss about having anorexia’ list by number two. Not surprising huh? I am well aware that the inability to produce a substantial list is crucial for recovery. Believe me, if I composed a list of ‘things I absolutely hate about having anorexia that make me want to run at it with every known weapon on this earth and scream until my vocal chords explode’ (wow, what a title) then I would never, and I really mean never, finish this post.
I understand that this may be quite a controversial thing to write about but I want this blog to be a place of honestly and, being honest, losing my cheekbones and getting my period back will both undoubtedly be hard-hitting moments for me in my journey to recovery.
To conclude this confession I want to finally make it clear that that there is NO WAY I would keep my oh-so-chiseled face and uterus that doesn’t bleed in favour of remaining under the weight of anorexia (pardon that ironic and accidental pun). I am merely taking full advantage of their presence in this hellish period of awaiting intervention – I’m desperate, ok!?
Yours sincerely, the flightless bird, yearning for wings.
(This post is dedicated to the upcoming disappearance of my cheekbones. I hope to see you never again.)