8) My patience

Morning everyone.

I’m really starting to have my patience tested. I’m notoriously not the best at waiting – something I’ll be the first to admit, and so being told to go home by your doctor, with no sense of when/what/where in relation to your next steps is really taking its toll.

After all, it’s not like I’m waiting around for an amazing birthday surprise party or fun trip abroad. No, I’m waiting to be referred to an eating disorder clinic. Nowhere near as appealing huh…

The worst part is that this constant nothingness means I lack purpose. It plays into my anorexia as day after day I am able to rigidly control what I consume as I obsess over minute detail, being unable to occupy an unfulfilled mind.

Another aspect of all this that seems despairingly unfair is the fact that I want to recover. In fact, I am desperate to recover. I want to sprint to the top of a mountain (not that I could in this current state) and scream – alerting every bird, worm and unassuming passer-by that ‘I WANT TO RECOVER!!!!!’ Yet, reflecting on this empowering image, I in fact feel akin to a deflated balloon as I am also aware I cannot recover alone. I have been living too long under my own strict regime that acts as a comfort blanket, sheltering me from a lack of control and panic and so intervention is crucial for my progress. Intervention that is coming yes…but when? I wish I knew.

*sighs deeply*

Let me know if any of you had to go through this torment too. This is, I hope, is one of the worst stages of recovery – being a pawn in the system’s game (oo, that sounded more sinister than intended – cue evil laughter sound effects). Meanwhile, all I can do is wait, and wait, and guess what!? Oh yeah, wait…

Yours sincerely, the flightless bird, losing patience while awaiting wings.

3 comments

  1. Hello xx omg I send you hugs, deep breaths and solidarity. YES! I had to go through this waiting period, I found it so so difficult and torment is a completely appropriate word. It played into my ed mind too 😦 but, I will say this – any small acts of kindness I could do for myself during this time really helped build my self-esteem and sense that I could recover – I felt ambivalent about caring for myself during the waiting period at the time, but when I started treatment I really valued every small step I’d taken by myself – somehow it increased my confidence for taking the bigger steps which I needed the support/direction of the treatment team to take xx so if you can, please try to be kind to yourself and trust that time is passing and whatever acts of self-care you can do will be like seeds planted now that are going to bloom later. Do you ever make lists of self-care activities? I had to experiment with finding out what I actually liked until I found things that I was able to enjoy – so now I have the following on my go-to treat list; lying down listening to music, aromatherapy oil, sitting in the sunshine, taking a few deep breaths, going to a bookshop to browse (or buy!), doodling, collecting nice things on pinterest, coffee with a friend, coffee with a book, coffee with a journal, coffee and people-watching, mindfulness colouring, zen tangles, having a bath, dyeing my hair, cuddling with my cat, playing with my cat, listening to short story podcasts, xx thinking of you xx Em

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for this! There are some great tips here that I will definitely take on board 🙂 It’s just so horrible how it becomes such a waiting game but what can you do…all the best 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG, I hated the waiting. It was like torture. The entire time I had thoughts like, “maybe I’m not sick enough,” “will my insurance actually cover this?” “I’ll be the fattest one there,” and so forth. I also felt kind of honored (?) and surprised that they would accept me because they only had 12 people at a time. They highly recommended I go to residential first (24 hour setting) but I was terrified to and pushed for this place. Upon reflection, I should have taken their suggestion. If I went now I’d get way more out of it, however, I really want to manage through iOP. It’s a day by day process.

    A couple things I used to say, at least when I first started treatment was “day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute,” and “yard by yard everything’s hard, inch by inch, everything’s a cinch.” Of course, those are US measurements.

    As with Em, I color too, and crochet, while watching mindless TV, and listen to audio books (or podcasts).

    Like

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