Yup, tackling a big topic today – food.
Shouldn’t be a big topic though, should it? Food should merely be a way to fuel our bodies in order to function as humans, maintaining energy, health and a lust for life. Sadly (for too many unfortunate souls) food becomes something destructive. A focus for anxiety, pain and obsession. I am one of the unlucky ones who happen to find themselves in this downward spiral…
When an anorexic thinks logically it is obvious that we are doing such great harm to our bodies. Clearly something is fundamentally wrong when you feel like you’re about to faint constantly. Or when walking up a flight of stairs becomes almost impossible because the last time you ate was…wait, when was it again? Despite this however, I know all too well from personal experience that logic and anorexia do not go hand in hand.
No matter how intelligent you are, anorexia strips you of logic. It replaces that logic with lies. I have found that my perception of what is ‘normal’ is completely skewed. I have gone too long severely under-eating and so in consequence, if I was to decide to have some carbs on my plate, for me that would be too much. In actual fact, I would still be under-eating even if I scoffed that pile of chips…and that ice cream…and the last slice of cake too!
I think this is one aspect of anorexia that non sufferers find difficult to understand – it is clear from reading my blog that I am aware there is a problem. I know full well that my relationship with food is disordered and that I am, on reflection, not eating enough. I look in the mirror and (I too) see unattractive and, more importantly, unhealthy skin and bone. So why can’t I just sit down to a steak and fries?
Please, you tell me.
I wish, wish, wish that I could. The mind is so powerful and each individual sufferer has his or her reasons for restriction. Most of the time these are unconscious limitations placed on ourselves thanks to an unfortunate upbringing or traumatic experience. It is so sad that situations out of our control can result in such unhealthy habits surrounding something that should be there to enjoy and fuel our bodies. I hate it as much as the next person.
Here’s to hoping today is the day the clinic contact me; despite being on the ‘top priority emergency list’ I have been waiting over three weeks now. On top of that it should be noted that’s three weeks since I acknowledged the need to visit my doctor – I have certainly been suffering a hell of a lot longer than that let me tell you.
I cannot wait for the time when food becomes pleasurable again. Bring on those sticky toffee puddings and chicken nuggets!
Yours sincerely, the flightless bird STILL yearning for wings.