15) My choices

Hello everyone! I had a little break (I say that, but three days isn’t really a break – I have been so proud of myself for how frequently I have been posting on my blog, so my brief disappearance is a blip in the ocean of writing success – what an awful metaphor!)

The possibility of choice becomes limited as an anorexic. No longer can you choose between those delicious cakes or pick from your favourite menu. In fact, the same rigid routine surfaces in the place of previous variety and life becomes boring, tedious and repetitive. 

Choice is so overwhelming to me, frequently causing anxiety to surface as the possibility of being able to choose to have something indulgent is so damn tempting…yet so difficult when consumed by an eating disorder.

But why? We must make the choice to better our lives – this is hardly an enjoyable existence.

There comes a point (ironically) when you must choose recovery. That in turn means you can choose that delicious snack – or ten of those delicious snacks as I am aware the calorie count for restoring weight is immense…now who can say they are able to stuff their face with indulgent, calorific, food and, in fact, need to do so? See, that’s a privilege.

Ok ok, I know that last point was going too far. Despite my defiant use of humour, I cannot call anorexia a privilege (even if it was laden with sarcasm!) I guess my point of this post is that choice is scary. It’s inevitable that having to choose to consume so much more than your ‘new normal’ is a terrifying prospect: but I must look forward to having freedom of choice – it’s been too long without my favourite sticky toffee pudding after all…

Yours Sincerely, the flightless bird, yearning for wings.

 

 

 

2 comments

  1. I totally understand! Every morning I look at my meal log (that I fill out for my nutritionist) and think, “today I’ll do it, today I’ll eat more so I can work toward compliance. I just have to make better choices.” And then, while standing in the kitchen eating my restricted amount I think, “Why can’t I do this. I just want to eat. It’s a choice! What’s wrong with me,” and so forth.

    Liked by 1 person

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