As I mentioned in my last post about finally receiving an appointment I have in fact already begun to make some positive changes on my own. I wanted to make this post to break down some of the reasons for this sudden change – maybe it will encourage positive change in someone else struggling (if not, then perhaps it will help me understand the ridiculous and complicated nature of our brains and the horror that is disordered eating…)
- Time: I think the biggest factor that has contributed to this recent shift in attitude is time. It has simply been too damn long that I have not been able to leave the house without feeling ill, walk up the stairs without stopping or simply enjoy food without sensing a panic attack on the horizon. Time really does heal.
- The mirror: Another thing that has definitely prompted me to choose recovery is thanks to that glorious reflective surface that so many of us fear – the mirror. I am lucky enough not to suffer from body dysmorphia and so catching my reflection and being confronted with protruding bones and a face changed beyond recognition really shocked me. I took time to think about the body I used to have and how confident and, yes, admittedly sexy I could feel. I miss that more than I can say.
- A boy: Yep, I know, sigh. This kind of thing only happens in movies right? A boy walks into the life of a broken girl and TA DA everything is fixed. That’s not quite what has happened to me however I had a rather successful date the other day and it really has provoked a lot of self reflection. I don’t want to find myself falling for someone and having to explain I am in the grips of an eating disorder, do I? A second date is on the cards and the faster I can get healthy the more confident I will feel in myself and the healtier I will look! It will be much easier to explain I am on the way up and out of this hell hole (if that conversation does ever arise) rather than have to explain it still grips me every day.
- Desert: I love, love, looove desert. I took the plunge and ordered a sticky toffee pudding from a menu the other day and, let me tell you, it was absolutely divine. It’s these moments that remind you that you are depriving yourself of the luxuries of life in favour of pointless punishment. I want to fill my days with ice cream and hot toffee sauce – not deprive myself any longer.
- A good talking to: Now this is a complicated one. My friend invited me round the other day and, to my surprise, bluntly confronted me about the way I look and the impact it was having on her as well as myself. Immediately I felt she had no right to comment on a disorder she couldn’t possibly understand and to so rudely bring up my appearance. However, once my initial anger had subsided I realised that she did the right thing. Perhaps she could tell I needed pushing. I absolutely hate confrontation and so being forced to face one of my closest friends speaking with such frank honesty was shocking. This shock however has definitely contributed to me beginning to eat more – so (although she doesn’t even know this blog exists) this post is dedicated to you..thank you, I love you xxx
Now I am sure there are many other factors that have built up in order to culminate in me choosing recovery once and for all however the above stand out to me as particular turning points. Gaining a little distance from the obsessive restriction I was under I can already see how horrific a life I subjected myself to and how truly horrendous such deprivation is.
I am also aware however that progress will take time. My body has been through hell and needs to be loved for a while yet before I can truly say I am healthy. But, I am officially on the way…
Yours Sincerely, the flightless bird, slowly growing her wings.