18) My weight gain

Now I know a lot of my readership will look at this title and experience heart palpitations and a cold sweat. Weight gain for those with an eating disorder is a scary business – skewed perceptions permeate every category of our lives, from how much is the right amount on a plate, to the misplaced fear of gaining a pound.

However, I have learnt it does not have to be so scary. I have indeed put on weight myself through my real effort to eat more and I am proud to admit it!

*confetti cannons go off*

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve only increased by a minimal amount and no visible difference is yet to grace my skeletal appearance, yet I am proud to say that I want to see the numbers on those damn scales increasing.

I wondered whether to ditch the scales at this point in my recovery: at the beginning in order to create separation between the unhealthy way in which I would only be able to relax if the number from the previous morning hadn’t budged (of course, it inevitably had always lowered and the new number became the new ‘normal’.) I decided my relationship with the scales would continue for a while longer however *gasps* as I believe it will in fact be healthy for me to witness my weight rising and come to terms with it – the alternative is getting on the scales at some point in the far future and freaking out when I weigh a lot more than what I was accustomed to. At least this way, the changes are subtle and I will them on myself – acknowledging every extra pound is a step towards restoring my bum to its former glory…

I am so sorry if you are one of those still gripped by the fear of weight gain. Us humans are vulnerable to the power of numbers and our value becomes aligned with what we see on an electronic screen. However I urge you to look up, turn to others and try and see what they see through their eyes. Unlike the scale, your friends and family truly know you and witness your physical and mental state from a source of humanity and compassion – if you can acknowledge their concerns then perhaps a more healthy relationship with the scale will follow.

One day I will ditch the scales for good. For now, our long term relationship continues but (just as I controlled calories) I am now taking control in a healthy and transformative way – the scales and I are working together to gain some glorious fat: here’s to the numbers rising.

Yours Sincerely, the flightless bird, growing her wings.


  1. Wow!

    My friends and family don’t participate in support. Many of them know but leave it to me to get better. I, in fact, get compliments and positive comments only when I’m doing poorly. Seriously, when I’m well, I get zero compliments. I’m sure it’s an age thing though. Compliments generally die out when a person is in their early 40s. Not that I’m looking for it but the lack there of confirms my own critical view.

    It’s amazing you can do this on your own. I gained 0.1 lbs this morning and feel crushed. I’m sure it was the challenge meal my nutritionist gave me last night.


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